Sunday, December 24, 2006

Extracurricular

Being alone isn't always bad. It's stark, though. There is a small stack of divorce papers sitting at my side, signed, waiting to be filed next week. There is something very white and clean and good about them. But stark.

I don't have any roots here. Any family. I left my family when I was still a minor, and never went back. I fled the mountains, the hills and hollers, went back, fled, went back again, and now I am far, far away, never to return as anything but a visitor. I have friends here in The Big City, but nothing that runs too deep, I don't think.

There are two very hard things about leaving a cult. One is admitting that you were wrong, wrong about everything. The other is suddenly having no community. My community dropped out from under me and I've never found anything to replace it. All those years that people spend, during their late teens and then twenties, building up their personal and professional lives, I lost those years. I lost them all.

4 Comments:

Blogger Venha Futuro said...

You were in a cult? Ms. G├╝erita, you were already interesting but now you are fascinating. Can we read more about your experience?

Community is something that I've never really felt a part of -- in high school I was on the fringes of almost every clique, so I kind of fit in everywhere and never really felt like I fit in. And that feeling has continued, so for me it was pretty easy to leave home and move to a different country. Things are the same here, in that respect.

So, I have lots of sympathy for you and no sympathy for you. You have less support than most. You have far more freedom than most. And December 25th is just another day -- there's nothing wrong with spending it alone. (Hell, use the day to do something that the community wouldn't approve of.) There is a lot of social pressure to do the family togetherness thing on this particular day, but all it is is social pressure. You lost those years, but I hope you don't regret the loss. Being you doesn't sound easy, but would you really rather be someone else?

12/25/2006 7:49 AM  
Blogger FatherDog said...

We're a small community. We're scattered all over the globe. We're insular and weird and we're snarky, too.

But we're YOUR community, and we all love you, baby red.

12/26/2006 2:30 AM  
Blogger lily of the valley said...

Venha: Was a member of ISKCON. I may link another blog to this one, to keep it from cluttering up what is meant to be a blog mostly about my job and education and whatnot.

I regret the loss of those years every day. I don't want to be someone else, but I'm tired of feeling so damaged all the time. It's exhausting.

Fatherdog: I love you, too. Thank you.

12/26/2006 11:21 PM  
Blogger ### said...

Well, fatherdog stole my response, but it's true.

You DO have a community. We all love you. I can't drive a couple hours and give you a hello kitty palace any more, but I would do it in a heartbeat all the same.

You should move back here.

I love you more than anything, baby.

1/01/2007 10:36 PM  

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